Music’s 5 Newest Illuminati Inductees


Nowadays, whenever an artist attains a certain amount of success, especially when sudden, it’s directly attributed to them being apart of the Illuminati, a secret society helmed by Jay-Z that pretty much controls the world through song. Talks of the cult have seen a surge in recent years thanks to tin foil thinkers with YouTube accounts, frustrated fans of third tier artists and pulpit pimps overzealous preachers. Turn on your radio, your TV or browse your favorite non-TSS music site and you’ll see the “sudden” push these artists are getting. A push only given to the Illuminated ones.

                                                                Graphics: Miss Dimplez

1. 2 Chainz

2 Chainz, formerly known as Tity Boi, garnered national attention with the 2007 hit single “Duffle Bag Boy.” Then he fell into the realm of irrelevancy. Five years later, Tity is back as 2 Chaaaaainz and enjoying a current swell in popularity thanks in part to his Illuminati application finally being processed and approved. And now he’s taking the Lil Wayne approach of NEVER denying anyone a guest feature. The Georgia bred rapper recently “signed” to Def Jam and is looking to release his tentatively titled T.R.U solo debut album sometime in July/August. Suffice it to say he’s finally “gettin’ it.”

2. Lana Del Rey

I barely know this chick but she’s EVERYWHERE! And it all happened after her dreadful SNL performance last month. Without an album out at the time, how in the hell did she get on SNL in the first place? You guessed it! Illimunati…nati…nati…nati! The 25-year-old singer used to go by the name Lizzy Grant just a few years ago when she was slumming in New York City clubs & bars looking for her chance at stardom. She failed. And now she’s back and revamped as the “Indie” sensation: Lana Del Rey. Early fans of Del Rey and critics are outraged at the singer’s manipulative branding. She’s a product of great marketing and, in fact, her father is a millionaire which easily got her application fast tracked. Her album, Born To Die, debuted at number two on the Billboard 200 last week.

3. French Montana

This guy sucks but that’s never stopped the evil empire from force-feeding us subpar artists. After gaining minor buzz with his Cocaine City DVDs and by riding the wave with Max B, French Montana knew he only had a small chance at making it to superstar status once Biggavel went to the bing. Akon saw potential in the Moroccan MC and signed him to Konvict but was later released due to album delays. Then came the rumors of deals with MMG and even G.O.O.D. Music but French decided to sign an atypical deal with the shiny-suit-wearing Devil that has him holding onto his publishing. You can currently hear “Shot Caller” and its 50-11 remixes being played everyday and everywhere, ad nauseum.

4. Meek Mill

When I heard of a “Meek Mill,” I thought I was having a bad case of déjà vu as I could’ve sworn I heard of a rapper by that name many moons ago. Turns out it’s the same mofo! After simmering underground for what felt like forever and a day ago and having a possible deal with The Kang’s Grand Hustle label fall through, the young Philly bull is now calling Rawse’s Maybach Music Group home. And though he’s rapped that he doesn’t have to join the Illuminati to get a Bugatti, you do have to join to cop yourself a Rolls Royce Ghost.

5. Brianna Perry

Who the hell is Brianna Perry? After seeing her name pop up out the blue (around the same time) on many websites I visit, I finally decided to find out the answer over the weekend. I learned she’s a 20-year-old rapper from Miami, Florida who has a single out now called “Marilyn Monroe.” Guess who also has a song of their own called “Marilyn Monroe”? Nicki Minaj. That’s good business for Brianna, who felt the need to release a statement about NOT having beef with Nicki over her swagger-jacking song title. Anyway, I also learned the “Young Rich Bandit,” as she also calls herself, used to go by Lil Brianna when she was the 16-year-old protege of Missy Elliot and appeared on a track with Trina when she was nine. Now she’s with Atlantic Records and appearing on TV shows and doing interviews while Crime Mob’s Princess can’t get anyone to give 3/4s of a f*ck about her.

2 Responses

  1. guy369 says:

    Sorry, they are not a part of the Illuminati.

    Just puppets.

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